We Are Whakaaro

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For many many many years I felt I belonged nowhere.  Although I always had one good friend, I was never part of the group.  I was obsessed with Friesian horses. Almost every day I roamed through the woods with one of them.

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I just loved the sun shining on the leaves, the wind in my hear, the smell of horse skin and hay, fresh raindrops and cleaning the stables.

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And then all of a sudden, so it feels, I had to make money to survive, prove my worth and struggle with emotional absent men.

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By the time I was 35, I had two beautiful daughters, no relation, no work and a big big black hole inside. I felt so empty, no joy, no softness, no love.

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Then an adventurous time started. The first safe haven I was magically drawn to, was Anamcara (www.anamcara.be).  From 2008 to 2018 I attended many of the intense shamanic rituals like Ecdysis and Sacred Burial. Numerous sweatlodge sessions, Reiki 1 & 2, Soundhealing 1 year training and the legendary Spirit Avtivations, Ritual Dance and Sister Circles followed.

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Many of the teachings I received from Roel & Griet are alive in my heart and shine a light on my daily life experience.  Thank You.  I learned with very little steps to share my inner world in the sharing circles.  The first circles were very scary and I was constantly worrying what to say, not knowing how to just be at ease in a natural way with myself.

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In 2012 I felt a deep call for transformation.  The Ayahuasca Retreat (5 days) with Lars Faber certainly opened my heart and my consciousness in a way I hadn't experienced before. Ecstatic.  Bliss.  But when I look back on it : not grounded nor embodied.

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I was confronted with this when I wanted to put some of my innovative ideas into practice but got stuck on the practical side of things.

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In 2015 something else got stuck on me though! After giving birth at home for the third time in my life, 25kg extra stayed with me for a long time. Allthough this was difficult for me to accept, I also really felt 'woman' in stead of 'girl'.  I felt stronger and certainly more grounded.  From the first minutes it was clear that this child was 'different'.  Bodhi only wanted to sleep when he was lying or hanging on my body, exhausting, but again beautiful lessons came out of this.  He needed more time for a lot of things.  Like one thing he didn't want to give up was breastmilk!  He 'invited' (aka 'pushed') me again and again to hold on to it, so eventually we walked the milkpath untill he was 3y.  And how tremendously grateful I am for that!!  All the hundreds of times we were so so close with each other through this!!  The times he stopped drinking and looked at me and smiled, I will never forget.  It's really strange for me to realize I was raised with the bottle and that I missed so much bodycontact with my mom.  I believe this has a huge impact on nervous systems and bonding patterns.

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Still searching for answers for some unclear stuff inside of myself.

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The relation with Bodhi's dad ended when Bodhi was 8 months.  In the middle of the night he woke up wile our son was drinking and he announced : there is someone else and this is true love.  Bam!!  I couldn't handle it.  I flipped.  Became a chaotic screaming Kali.  We split.  But we would stay in the same house for another 3 years.  This would learn me to forgive, to listen and to soften, but at the same time stay true to myself.

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In 2019 an opportunity came my way and I moved out.  A few months later we had to move again and I took a huge leap of faith which would have a massive impact on myself, my kids and my life in amazing but also very painful ways.

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Deciding to go live in a yurt in a forest 100km from where we used to live without talking it through with my daughters and also the two fathers, was kind of disruptive.  If i could turn back time, this would be without a doubt the thing I would change!!

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The forest would heal me though, cause I was there on my own a lot, not so many people or cars, just trees and birds and walking barefoot to the little river.  here I learned about 'my own energy'.

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Intense encounters with men.  Confusing.​​

Fear of abandonment, sexual abuse trauma rememberings.

Dramatical interactions.

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An old idea comes up again : buying a big caravane and renovate it.  This time I am grounded, I can take all the steps : arranging a spot on a camping, finding a caravan, arranging the transport, finding resources, ordering materials, renovating the caravan into my dreamhouse.  Wauw, what a proces!  The intention was to heal an old believe that I asn't capable (according to my father) to work with tools and wood and stuff.  YES I AM!!!

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New encounter with a man. Lorenzo.

Intense as always.  Same patterns activating.  Untill this day we are learning to relate anew.  Every few days or weeks an old wound activates, so it's definately not easy to create new neurological pathways.  But we care deeply.  And we want to go through it rather, this time, then running away from it all.

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2022. The father of my daughters is taking me to court.  This touches on my deepest existential fears.  He is demanding money I don’t have, and I am expected to somehow make sure I can pay it.  Oh, so much struggle and injustice I felt.  How can the world work this way? Why can’t we look at each other and explore what’s possible, in peace?  The process takes about three years, and only in the last month do I feel a shift toward surrender, allowing me to step out of the struggle and feel that whatever happens: it serves the greater good.

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It's also necessary to take some new steps to create more opportunities for my daughters, to move to a more stable address.

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​As if by a miracle, we find ourselves in a little piece of paradise. There truly are angels here on earth, and Hilde is certainly one of them. To this day, we consider ourselves the guardians of this beautiful place. And every day, I feel my gratitude deepening.

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Now, we are 2026 and I am newly exploring the world of autism and adhd.

And I am full-on in the premenopause.

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Together with Human Design, this gives me SO much more understanding of my own inner dynamics, but also that of my loved ones.

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I'm passionate to share about that in the near future, more and more.

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And I feel I didn't tell you even the most important things.  So many stories to tell.  So many experiences, insights, thoughts, ideas!!

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Crazy Life!!

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I love it!!

 

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​​​​Aho

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Kristina